How one should live one's live?

I stumbled across this picture ages ago (and I can't recall where I found it). At that time, I was struggling through my veterinary course and I was quite lost. The message on the picture gave me courage and I would probably need that courage again when I start a job hunt. I have been travelling around and been really busy. Hopefully once I get a job and settle in, I will have more time to post regularly.

Yes, I have done the travel often part. I think I need to stop over analysing.

I'm not the only gay person in my family?!?

Nowadays, our mobile phone holds so much information about ourselves. Just checking the photo albums - they will speak thousands words about who we are and what we do. There are some rather private photos that would even provide too much information. Apart from that glancing through the search history provides clues of our personal interests. I can still be a tad more careful about these sort of information on my phone but sometimes it is a bother trying to cover all the traces. However, the thought of confidential stuff slipping through scares me. That is why I take precautions when passing my iPhone to anyone whether sharing a photo of food I devoured or a photo of a hot guy cuddling a kitten in bed though I am generally less concerned with my friends who know that I'm gay.

In Asia, talking about sex is a taboo so let alone talking to sexuality and being gay. Fortunately, it is becoming a lot more accepting in Thailand (after all, Thailand is considered a paradise for gay). People can be quite oblivious about this too so they never notice anything and my mum snuggles this group. The concepts of family structure between Western and Eastern cultures differ in a interesting way. Asians tend to be very family oriented  and usually include extended family members as our family too i.e. aunt, uncle, cousin etc. Recently I had just a little family lunch out - there were my mum, little cousin, uncle A (my mum's brother), uncle's friend P and me. A few pieces of fact about my uncle A and P - A has known P for more than 20 years and they met while working in a bank. So P is pretty much seen as part of the family and everyone in my family adores him. 

I hate stereotypes but they exist to categorise people and they work well at times. It is bad to generalise based on stereotypes but I often use them as a frame work of mind to build more information upon. I can say that A and P fit too many gay stereotypes. A and P have shared many important moments of life and spend a lot of time together. They bought an apartment next to each other and bought a house together. They are still single. Their sense of fashion, design, sensibility, manner, attitude towards life, open mindedness, wealth and love to travel surpass that of the straights.

What do the searches say about me?

I had always suspected A and P for ages but never really have a proof to confirm. Until on our way back to Bangkok after a delightful lunch, I was trying to search a famous kitchen showroom but I don't have internet on my phone. P was driving and told me that I could use his phone. However, I noticed a brief moment of hesitation before he passed his phone to me. It was that moment I realise there must be something private in his phone that he didn't want me to see. I was determined not to peek into his privacy so I just tapped into Safari and started keying on the search engine. Then the search history fanned out and there was a search phrase that caught my eyes "japan gay porn". That phrase only raises a lot of probabilities and questions. Now it is time to ponder - what is the chance of someone else using P's phone? It is extremely unlikely since P rarely lets anyone use his phone. Who else know the password to access P's phone? My uncle A and he often plays games on P's phone! What can I conclude? The person who typed the search phrase is probably either A or P. Even though what I found is not a concrete piece of evidence, it is the missing piece of jigsaw and everything makes sense.

Now should I tell them about my sexuality? Not yet, there is a few things I need to do before that but I talk to them before telling my mum. Another heart warming piece of fact is that my mum is quite close to my uncle A and is very fond of P.

Coming out to high school besties

I just had a housewarming for my high school close friends on St. Patrick's day.  They were away when I threw the first housewarming party a while back, so this one was for them. There were four of us that are quite close and still in Melbourne - a few others have moved elsewhere, and the contact sort of fades. I have been thinking about this for ages, but could not bring it up at all even though one of them had asked me if I'm gay previously. Well, I shot off "Nah" quickly without hesitation then explaining how my uni life keeps me busy from finding a girl- the best defence is a quick answer that sounds genuine, isn't it? However, she even said she's okay if I am, despite me saying "Nah". Girls are usually pretty good at this stuff, eh?

To my high school mates, at last

S, A and B are my high school friends. We have known each other for roughly 7 years. They were all invited, but B got an emergency work call and S came a bit later with her boyfriend. After having some Mojito that I made, we sat leisurely listening to my heart-felt iPod playlist. The night was good and homey. I had my courage up, but could not find the right timing. Right after they left my place, I decided that I wouldn't want to keep it away from them anymore, so I texted S, A, and B saying that I have a boyfriend. Even though B didn't come to the housewarming, I wanted everyone in the circle to be on the same page.

The summary of their response is as followed:

S: She said "Congrats" and told me that she is very happy for me. Then she wanted me to tell her about my boyfriend D. She tried to stalk him on Facebook, but couldn't see much, so she asked me a photo. I obliged and her reply was " So cute! Well done, GVP :D" She also said that I have a lot of questions to answer her now.

A: He went "OoOoo, how come you didn't mention it earlier?" After that, he said that this doesn't change anything, and that we're still good friends. He also asked me to leave some time to hang out and for playing tennis with him too.

B: "Have a glass of wine for a new lol. I support you!" Then he said that he was sorry because he couldn't come to the party, and I can explain everything to him later when we catch up.

Although, they felt a bit upset that most of my vet mates have been told before them, everything went well. I feel a tad guilty for not having told them in person, but at least they all know now. They warned me that we will be having a long coffee/dinner with an interrogation session soon, haha.  Pretty soon, they will be asking me to drag my boyfriend D for our brunch out. It's a huge weight off my shoulders and another big step. The next would be my family at the end of this year once I finished uni and become financially independent.

Food and my coming out

One thing I really enjoy is cooking. What could be better than putting classical music on and humming around in the kitchen, while making some yummy munchies, especially on a lazy Sunday. I can't appear more like a domesticated househusband with an apron and cake whisk, lol.

Jamie mentioned on one of his shows about how good food brings people together. It is about sharing the love and joy. I couldn't agree more when I heard him. Watch his show sometimes reminds of my first ever coming out. The drama unfolded on one Friday night when we had a vet student BBQ chill-out. We were drinking and enjoying the night. Then two of my female friends pried me away from the crowd, then they blurbed out an unexpected question.

One bite of the ice cream would have prepared me better :D

Friend B: Anyway, we have something to ask you.....
Friend A: Are you gay?

I was caught off guard, and mumbled awkwardly while they were eager for an answer.

Me: Mmmm...Ummm... I... I'm not sure, but think I'm bi.
Friend A: Aha! That makes a lot of sense now.
Friend B: Right, I knew it. That explains all why you're so good at cooking and fashion.
Friend A: Also you are like our talkable version of Melbourne food guide book. Hey, that means you can let your gay side go wild, and cook more. I'm expecting more good food from you from now on, and more cocktail parties at yours.
Friend A & B: We are getting you drunk tonight!
Me: Oh, right, ok...

Their responses left me speechless. It went too well. I guess if they don't accept my sexuality, they won't get to taste my cooking anymore, haha. Anyway, they then proceeded to drown me with alchohol, and I had no recollection of how I got home the next morning. Later on, I told them that I'm definitely gay once I have gained more confidence.

It's about bloody time!

I have been extremely busy, and my calendar is damn packed. So it seems like I won't be able to keep the promise of being more active on the blog this December.

Anyway, I found this amazing video. It's rather quite touching and eye-watering.

Green, the (2011) and Morals

Over the months, I have downloaded a fair amount of films, and I finally have time to watch them all. So the first to go on the hit list is Green, the (2011). Despite an average review, I really like it, since I can relate to some of the characters in the film. Apart from the obvious GLBT theme, there is a subtle moral massage that I picked up.


*Spoiler warning*

It's about litigation and motive behind it. Sometimes, I really think that it's pretty dogs eat dogs in the cruel world, sometimes not. A character in the film saw an opportunity to sue the protagonist despite the lack of evidence, due to the exploitable nature of the protagonist. In the end, I have to say the protagonist is too naive, and even dropped the legal counter-attack, despite his reputation being ruined. For me, it would be an eye for an eye (to be exact ten eyes back, haha). By the way, the protagonist's partner is hunky, and seems to be a cook. A hunky cook - what more can one ask?

I love it when men show intimacy

When I entered vet school, I first thought money is not an issue for me. Guess what, I have become more financial-oriented after all. Greed, one of the seven deadly sins, huh? I wouldn't be surprised if I end up in hell considering this sin alone, but I don't think I believe in heaven and hell, haha. Anyway, money often does the wonder in general, even for veterinary practices. I vaguely recollect a saying of "The rich does no wrong". In the service industry, you could say no money, no service, yah? Same is for vet med, and to be exact you could say no money, a jab of lethabarb then.

Imaging a poor old but really nice lady came in with a sick dog in need of a surgical emergency intervention, for an example, GDV ie. Gastric dilation volvulus (stomach enlargement and torsion). Without a prompt and appropriate intervention, it's gonna be one hell of agonising death. Veterinarians are obliged by our Oath and law to intervene animal suffering, but we also need gain our feet in the world of business. It's a bit like what my American mates told me how people are left to dead if they don't have health insurance or money to pay for treatment. Jobs in medical field are tricky, as we are speaking about life of our patient. 

I'm quite glad that I decided to study vet rather than med. My religious belief is indeed twisted, and I  have to admit that part of me is somewhat amoral, though I adhere strongly to professional ethics (I guess my religious belief and moral stance deserves a proper post sometime later). So sometimes, it's basically "No money? Ok, let's not the patient pointlessly suffer any further. It's lethabarb time!" in my head, despite my dispassionate temperament, I say that in a much more considerate and compassionate tone to clients. Well…vet consult is a service-based business, isn't it? People are paying for a good service, so my Dexter mask is well paid after all.

A considerable number of vets are anthropologist though, in comparison to our medico counterparts according to my med friends. There is a lot of shelter medicine veterinarians out there. They are really quite something, working with abandoned animals. It isn't much cashflow in field, and the pay is depressingly minimal. However, many shelter vets are fulfilled with their job, and happy with what they got. These guys are the saints and angels of our profession, indeed. I respect their skill of making the best out of limited resources, and utilise everything that they have. 

Back on the topic of litigation, there is a well-known Australian eye specialist, who actually taught us. A while ago, he warned his GP colleague not to perform a certain eye procedure. Despite the warning, the surgical procedure was performed, and inadvertently the optic nerve was damaged, then the patient came out of the surgery blind. The owner sued the vet, and also the specialist for lack thereof due diligence, because the owner believed that it's also the specialist's fault. What a pestering call! Guess what, specialists being specialists, they are generally on the more wealthy end of the profession (not to mention he owns a well established practice). In addition to that, he loves flying a plane, so his customised comprehensive insurance is quite something. I have to say he struck back pretty hard: hiring the best available barrister in the country was easy with the insurance money. Funningly enough, his barrister was on a totally different plane of level to that of the owner's, and the barrister managed to take over the negotiation and legal proceeding. The winner was clear, and the barrister managed to talk the other party into believing that the specialist was so angelically kind that they didn't take the matter further, and sue the owner back, lol. 

Morals learnt; dogs eat dogs, but beware of getting eaten back; know thy enemy before thou strike, know not, thy head shall be rolling; insurance may save my ass. After all, we don't live in an ideal world, and nothing is free. There is a lot of funny people out there that are monetarily motivated.

My Christmas and New Year 2011

A tad of procrastination wouldn't hurt, since my brain is totally fried up, and needs some time to cool down. After having made a list of what to do in December, I realised that I would have a really busy month. At first, I thought I would have a quiet relaxed December for once, but this was proven wrong, as there are so many things lined up for me to do. These include a meeting with the Dean and teaching staff for academic issues (not mine, but the whole year level in general: I will need to prepare some docs, and deal with some politics - I had dealt a lot with, but not my cup of tea), getting a flight to Japan and meet my family there for a trip, moving house (to inner Melbourne suburb) , taking a temporary post as an assistant veterinary anatomical pathologist between Christmas and New Year (This seems extremely workaholic, but I don't see doing pathology stuff as work, because I enjoy it :D), organising a placement at DPI Attwood, staying outdoor and do some surfing for a week, getting some massage, having a quiet day to retrospect and reflect on oneself etc.

Obviously, I won't have much time to chill out, and this makes me realise that this year I have gradually shifted from my introvert Type B ego to Type A personality slightly. So I really need to learn to prioritise things properly: all vetties seem to have an imbalance study and social life. My personal life has been compromised, since entering the vet school, but I have been getting better than doing the balancing act.

OMG! Are they all for me?

Some of my Canuck mates are staying over the summer, since our uni will be starting on Monday 2nd January 2012. Lovely, isn't it? We have decided to patronise one of our favourite contemporary pub-restaurants, which is along Yarra River for the New Year Eve.  This will be a perfect cooling spot for the Australian summer, as we all will feel like constantly being in an medium-heat oven. There are bound to be lots of vetties pranks and inappropriate shenanigans, though I won't be overly drunk but will stay high throughout the night for sure.

Since I will be most likely be spending Christmas Day at uni, doing some yucky work and the faculty can get really quiet, I downloaded the new Michael Buble Christmas Album 2011. I will be singing his songs, while making a Christmas pudding for the first time, then singing and sharing the pudding with pathologists on duty, before heading to the PM room, butchering ex-animals to bits and pieces.

So what is your plan this December? And anyone have advice on balancing life?

Colleague and criticism

Over one lunchtime, me and two of my clinical lab groupmates, E and Z, had an interesting albeit short conservation about criticism. As we know that we all will be working together, and seeing each other almost 24/7 next year. We will really get to know each other through and through, and it will be similar to having intensive orgies relationships with an expiry date as of Dec 2012. There are bound to be some degree of interpersonal conflicts, if we don't communicate properly. Our group consisted of six people, equal number of guys and girls, but only one straight guy, lol. L is my lab partner, and we often have cafe hunts together. She is also my philosophy conversee. Z is the poor straight guy, who frequently answers a lot of my questions regarding treatment. Before I digress any further, how can we provide criticisms due to good intentions, without upsetting someone?

Halitosis (bad breath)

Me: Let's start with bad breath. If you start talking to someone and notice the smell, how would you deal with it?
E: Hmm.. that's hard. But if I know that person well enough, I would tell that person outright though not out loud. Otherwise, I will hand out some chewy or mints.
Z: What if you don't have any of those with you? What if that person is a lecturer/teaching clinician, whom we will be spending a lot of time with?
Me: I guess for that case the prognosis is hopeless. Well... better start training holding your breath then?
E: Oh.... for your information, please let me know if I have a bad breath. I don't wanna be talking to clients while they try not to breath. Hey... GVP, you're quite lucky then. Don't you get use to all the bad smell, since you spend so much time in the PM room?
Me: You're right. So far I can even put my face near rotten horse guts, and it seems that I have instinctively learnt to shut off my nose, but I can still smell farts and bad breaths somehow. Another thing, this year I have morped into a little grumpy beeping bomb. I know that I swear too much, but I can't help for now.
Z: That's alright. We are quite stressed right now, so everyone swears and used to it. Remember the surgery lectures, how many times did we hear vagina, penis, testes?
E: There were so many vaginas, penises and testes. That was more than enough.
Me: One thing that we won't have enough of next year rotations will be sleep. I will definitely get moody, and swear a tad more than usually. So tell me to f!@# off and get some coffee, if I'm acting like a dick.
Z: Only if you promise, you won't treat me as your PM customer after I tell you so.

In the end, we also talked about dandruff, dress code, low jeans exposing ass crack, etc.  We all agree that we prefer honesty, and don't mind being told off if there is something odd. Feeling upset is inevitable at first, but as long as there is a good motive behind, everything will be alright. One point that we took, before rushing to our prac class was that all of us are not perfect, but at the very least we strive to improve. Being optimistic as I am, I often think that if someone criticise me, it's only because they care about me. What is your approach to this?

Desensitised to the dead

A while back, I used to watch all those medical shows and wondered how doctors perform surgeries without feeling disgust. And now I understand since I has become desensitised, and I am able to perform necropsies while talking about lunch. It feeks like yesterday when a group of us vet students got excited for our first anatomy prac with dog bodies. But, we were warned that if we feel funny, just exit the prac room and get some fresh air. A fair amount of students, including me, felt light-headed and almost faint. It was the smell, sight and texture of cold muscles that almost made me puke. Well, I turned into a vegan and didn't touch any meat for a week. Then we had more anatomy classes, seeing images in lectures and touching the real stuff in pracs every fortnight. We gradually accustomised to the extent that we felt hungry during the prac, and talked about having steaks and beers after cutting a dog open. This is so wrong I know.

That only leaves one thing that a lof of people complain about while dealing with the deads - Smell! Well, some ex-patients are not so fresh and presented to us at a temperature lower than ideal ie. from a fridge. I think I'm somewhat more lucky than my peers that I have learnt to shut off my sense of smell while perfoming necropsies. One of the pathologists I know mentions about pathologists just get used to the smell, and our nose just doesn't smell anything malodouraous after a necropsy. Once she and her colleague had to do a necropsy of a baby hippo who disappeared for a few day during a period of warm Melbourne weather, and then appeared to float atop of the enclosure pond. The body was so emphysematous (bubbly like balloons) and the odour was ranked 10/10 in the degree of intolerability. After several hours their job was done, they returned back to the faculty, sitting in a staff tea room completely oblivious that they both had this obnoxious un-holy aura, which could be sensed several blocks away. The whole faculty became alert of the smell, and believed there was a gas leak hence commenced buidling evacuation unbeknownst to the offenders still in the tea room enjoying the sun and English afternoon tea.

Obviously, I have to be more careful from now, and take cautions about the scent. It would be horrid to others around me if I pop into a cafe for coffees after my heavy duties.

Pathologists' dark sense of humour

A lot of my mates perceive veterinary pathologists as being laid back in general, which I think it's quite true after having spent some time with many. But, I have to add our humour is rather odd and morbid as well. It may be due having to deal with cardinal humours on a day basis, perhaps? There is a few examples (of many) that I have in my head:

You all must have heard people saying "Do as I said, not as I do", and many veterinary pathologists are like that (I'm included even though not a pathologist just yet). We preach veterinary students not to use food to describe lesions. But then, we describe a suppurative (pus-sy) lesion as cottage cheese or compare chylothorax (white fluid in the chest) to a thick milkshake. Worse than that, with a bit of blood contamination, the milkshake is said to have a strawberry flavour. Ewwwwww~

I was helping out a pathologist and a lab technician with a necropsy then we started chatting about cold Melbourne weather and somehow animal body cremation - turning 20kg mass into less than half a kg ash. The pathologist mentioned how her partner is having a holiday, and enjoying summer overseas while she is working and suffering this cold miserable weather. The technician asked if her partner was being naughty and she needs to use the cremation facility. She responded laughingly that she will let him know if her partner is planning to travel without her again. I can see a perfect crime there, nah?

Once we were looking at a tissue slide of a feline kidney during one of the weekly histopathology round. After looking down a microscope, I proceeded to ask about these big bubbles in the tissue, and I was told that they were fat. "Well, you are what you eat, isn't it?" quickly added someone in the room.

This last one really got me laughing; there was a dog skull transceted in halves. One of the senior pathologists looked the skull and said "Hmm, I'm amused that the cranial cavity (hole in the skull that the brain sits in) is tiny. Look at the dog, it's massive! The brain is also tiny. I really to see the owner of this dog". Comparing people and their pet for similarities is always a good fun, don't you think?

Laughter is always good, isn't it?

Roles and responsibilities of veterinarians

I'm sitting in my room, drinking a long macchiato, and wondering about what is beyond my to-come graduation and so on. But, there is usually one thing that I usually keep thinking when I have time for my mind drift philosophically: what are my roles and responsibilities as a veterinarian apart from the stuff that set up by the AVMA and AVA?

Hmmm... I can't hear my heart

The answer in response has always been changing through my yet-to-end veterinary training, and it will continue to be so. When I first entered the vet school, it was just simply treating the patients. Be it dogs, cats, horses, cattle, sheep, rats, mice snakes, spiders! etc. Over the years, I have added, tweaked and formulated a long response, which now becomes more like an equation and includes:

1. Consult with clients in regard to their concern with their pet, and provide up-to-date information so that a well informed decision can be made in the best interest of the patient.
2. Utilise the knowledge to approach the problem, on ethical and compassionate grounds.
3. Understand, value and endearvour to cherish the bond between human and animal.
4. Provide sound and well informed opinion to the general public in regard to issues related to the profession, in addition to educate pet owners.
5. Contribute, where possible, to the advancement of scientific knowledge and research, as well as the training of future veterinarians.
6. Participate in continued education and pursue one's interest in veterinary discipline and expertise.

With those said, I strongly view myself as a source of information for clients. However, clients facing with a dilemma frequently turns to veterinarians and ask this particular question that I'm really reluctant to answer in a consult, especially when dealing with a potential euthanasia: What would you do if he/she (the animal) is your pet?

"Damn, she/he is definitely not my pet. I'm not the one paying for the treatment bill. Can't you use your brain and make up your mind?" I say in my head before respond with a blurb I have for this situation in an auto-pilot mode.

"I'm afraid that it's not my responsibility to make a decision about Insert the animal's name. There is no right or wrong choice, so what you believe is the right decision is right, and I'm not here to judge." I say in a matter of fact tone but with sympathy, while looking at the client.

Nowsdays, pets are in general as part of the family in the western society. Many people consider their pet as their child. Therefore, I do not see myself morally and legally proper to be making such decision for someone else under the above circumstance.

Pathology and I

As the blog name has suggested, I have a passion for veterinary pathology and consider pursuing it as a career path.  At the start of the veterinary medical course, we all just thought about becoming a vet. I definitely didn't know about other fields in the profession, so let alone the thought of becoming a veterinary pathologist. The first glimpse I had of pathology is when we have to study paraclinical subjects eg. parasitology, microbiology: bacteriology and virology, and pathology. The whole field is basically working behind the scene, in a laboratory, and dealing with the diagnostic aspect of medical conditions. Paraclinicians work together with clinicians ie veterinarians, who take primary response of a case, but we are the people who pet owners rarely get to see.

I'm still questioning as to how I became so interested and keen, even though I have yet to complete the veterinary course and get exposed to all the clinical training. First of all thoughts, I have pretty much figured out that treating patients and doing surgeries are not my cup of tea. Dealing with what drugs to used is bearable, but the financial aspect while dealing with the clients is buggering. On the other hand, paraclinicians simply perform the tests, which are requested and believed to be of the most diagnostic value by the prinary-care veterinarians, and are paid by the their clients.

Becoming a surgeon is often what one aspires to be, but the so-called aspiration changes after several times of having to stand,  bend over, and do a surgery through a little hold on a patient hole for hours - for which I respect surgeons. Also not to mention, one has to ingrain the aseptic technique (minimising bacterial contamination) and certain "good" surgical habits while doing a surgery (which I have already done so). That aside, there is a specialist surgeon I know, who has a hilarious sense of humours, said at smiling at me "Surgeries are easy - if in doubt just cut. We don't need to think and we leave thinking to pathologists" And he is right; I have a wondering mind while having a cup of tea or coffee.

I am certainly not the type of person who likes dealing with the general public, in contrary to my mates' belief as I was elected several representative positions: student rep council during high school, a student club secretary, social and educational rep of student society etc. They view me as a socialite, and I have to add that they're right to a certain extent, but their view would change once we start talking about clients behind the scene. Dealing with some clients can be very challenging, and I wonder how many times I said "What the f!@#$?!?" or "Shut the f!@#$ up and listen to me" in my head while I was smiling to them - having my mask on there. Often this leaves me feeling empathic towards our human counterpart - dealing with in-compliant patients. In addition, my family business deals with lots of people and I have witnessed too many funny people, perhaps. My mum is also partially responsible for this as I took after her trait of hate dealing with the general public.

Many of you may think that doing necropsies is disgusting and gory, but veterinarians deal with muddles on a daily basis. For example, a small animal veterinarian treating a moribund sick dog with haemorrhagic (bloody) effusions coming from the front and back ends,  and a large animal veterinarian getting farted and bio-organic materials splashed on their face during a rectal (back-end) examination. Veterinary profession isn't glamourous, and it is full of messes, but as a veterinary pathologist, I know when I'm getting dirty and can be prepared for it at the very least - think lab coats, overalls, gloves, gumboots and masks. Apart form an occasional risk of being exposed to nasty pathogens, all else is under my control - yes, I'm a control freak.

Last but not least, the global demand of young bright paraclinicians succeeds the supply as the majority of work force in the industry is greying away and expiring (exactly as said to me by one of veterinary pathologists, whom I adore) and the number just steadily declines. It wouldn't be hard for a paraclinician to find a job in the near future, which is an added bonus for me :)